Disasta' From Alaska

Disasta’ From Alaska

In the world of pop culture, it is the case, more often than not, to see an undeserving drama queen capture the attention of a large portion of the population. Pandering to less intelligent and less reasonable notions that we all share is an effective route, and I would assert that renegades like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have exploited this. These misguided women have a perpetual sense of entitlement everywhere they go, even when out at bars. Excuse me. That was supposed to read, “behind bars.” While many divas and diva-dudes discover their spotlights in tabloids and viral internet sex-tapes, (viral as in popular, I’m not a doctor) there are those who venture into less glamorous realms. My favorite of these seemingly mavericky people is of course Sarah Palin. No, the beloved ex-governor from Alaska didn’t come from the ranks of Ms. Hilton or Ms. Lohan, but her popularity does similarly come into question.

During the 2008 Presidential campaign, Sarah Palin grew from obscurity, captivating a nation with her small town charm, if such a term may be applied. There is something to be said about charm. It worked for Barack Obama, but in his case, there was a bit more substance to his character. You know… knowledge of things outside quaint Alaska, things that are more pertinent to a political discourse. How then is it that Sarah Palin could amass such a large and passionate following?

I thought it would help my understanding of the phenomenon that is Palin if I were to listen to her book Going Rogue on audio book while doing sketches illustrating Palin’s rise to fame. After a grueling nine hours, I came away with a new view of Palin, and I began to make heads or tails of what drew people to her. Throughout the book, Sarah makes biblical references and constantly praises God for just about anything. I have no quarrel with her as a religious person; I admire that kind of conviction. However, it’s easy to see how her Christian faith completely shapes her political views. If I want to listen to a sermon for nine hours, as a general rule, I don’t turn on CSPAN, yet that is not the case for many on the religious right. Religion--and all the political ideologies that tend to come with it--was perhaps the first aspect to suck people into Going Rogue.

Another appeal might have been her good looks and MILF persona. As far as I know, there isn’t a sex tape of Palin circling the internet, but there’s a plethora of creatively titled adult films involving the Palin name. Some have a pretty good look-a-like… or so I’ve heard. I’m not one to judge, but if looks alone have garnered any of your support for Palin, you and I are no longer friends.

Palin’s lowest form of pandering came as nonsensical attacks on Barack Obama. She wasn’t too proud to stoop to question the validity of his birth certificate, accusing Obama of “pallin’ around with terrorists” and eventually that whole socialist witch-hunt. It kind of makes you think back to McCarthyism—only this time it’s a little less intense and a lot more what-the-hell-can-she-really-be-serious. I can’t say Mrs. Palin would have been wily enough to come up with the socialist accusations on her own; she had plenty of help from talking heads like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O’Reilly. Yes, I know, Rush is a radio “entertainer”, but I just pictured him as a floating, talking head, and it made me chuckle.

The one thing that the afore mentioned trio and--through some imbecilic form of the trickle-down effect--Sarah Palin do particularly well is fear mongering. Was Barack Obama born in the United States? Of course he was, and how that fact was ever seriously questioned is beyond me. Is Obama Muslim? Well, apparently 20% of the population seems to think so, but with any research beyond FOX News, you can easily find out that he’s a Christian. And the big-ticket item: is Barack Obama a socialist? Well, you get the picture. This sort of defamation keeps Palin supporters chomping at the bit and, as was evident in the last midterm election, may be contagious. Better grab some more Purell and maybe some bleach, I think someone breathed hot air on my shirt. Granted, the latest Presidential election results stemmed around much more complex issues, it’s been Palin’s boisterous, drunk chick at a party, volume that has indeed left its lasting mark.

While Sarah Palin is somehow maintaining the spotlight for now, I can’t see her endurance lasting too long. When I start to get concerned about the popularity of Palin, I just say to myself, “Self, Sarah ‘The Maverick Diva Who Went Rogue’ Palin will most likely make some sort of run for the Presidency by 2012.” And I think even her most devout followers and I could share the sentiment that President Palin are two words that should never be spoken together. Ever.

START Getting Scared

START Getting Scared

As a nation of exceptional Christian values, it’s easy for us to see where many of our foreign and domestic policies come from. Helping the helpless, feeding the poor, healing the lame, well sort of (health care reform is of the devil). Generally speaking, we like to be thought of as good folks. Omitting at least one Koran torching reverend who was Jones’n for a barbeque, Americans do try their best to avoid provocation of others. The people of the United States apparently have no quarrel with the Koran. It’s a book. There is no use reading anything these days when we have Youtube. The combination of a Koran and a mosque, however, might garner more fervor for a bonfire when a new mosque is proposed in New York. But in all fairness, we already have a lot of churches. Do we really need more tax-exempt establishments? Not in Uncle Sam’s back yard!

Despite what those cigarette-sucking French may think, Americans are a peace loving people. Just take a look at hippies. Now I know what you’re thinking, and yes, the water table in Bethel, NY (home of Woodstock) still tests positive for all kinds of illicit drugs and trace amounts of grooviness. On the other side of the coin, (or if you prefer, a Chuck E. Cheese token) peace is attained through strength and a few protein shakes. The intimidation factor has a long track record of success: hockey players, juiced up body builders, Chris Brown. Bigger is better is not a notion lost on the US military. How better to keep our enemies at bay than to scare the living crap out of them? According to the Independent Institute, US defense spending was roughly $1.01 trillion in 2010. It might serve the military budget well if money-hoarding institutions such as social security and education were cut out of the federal budget altogether. Also militarizing the cast of Jersey Shore, as they would be worth their weight in gold chain necklaces… and hair products.

One can’t deny the threats to this country such as North Korea, Iran, the cast of Jersey Shore (it has yet to be seen exactly where their allegiances lie). The only way to scuttle these impending perils is to beat them at our game. To increase the nuclear arsenal is the only way to ensure intimidation and America’s subsequent safety. According to the Eau Claire Journal, the U.S. has over 5000 nuclear weapons and 3000 prospective locations that could pose a threat. With the 5000 deliverable warheads, we have the capacity to obliterate our current 3000 targets. Can’t you see that we need more? What if there are still signs of life after the first 3000 missiles are fired? How will we defend ourselves against terrorism when the remaining 2000 missiles are not enough to re-obliterate all 3000 targets?

With the resurgence of the START Treaty, now aptly named the New START Treaty, things might be moving the other way. It should really be called the START Getting Scared Treaty. It’s been a known fact that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il have been pen pals since childhood, mailing each other baseball cards and spare bomb parts. One might note that Ahmadinejad just wants to send a gift to Israel to bury the hatchet, and Israel. Either way, it’s an unsettling prospect for America. America’s good-natured demeanor might say to turn the other cheek. That is always good advice, but only if your ass is equipped with literally millions of long range missiles. Better add an American flag and Chuck Norris just to be sure.

Global Warming

Global Warming
By Kyle Constalie

To whoever is reading this: I am pooping my pants.

That’s because I recently watched Bag It, a documentary directed by Suzan Beraza. I watched this film with my girlfriend at the Frozen Rivers Film Festival in Winona, Minnesota. A nice afternoon, for sure—albeit the wrong place and the wrong person to be with when you’re pooping your pants. But I couldn’t help myself; the content of this film scared the shit out of me.

Apparently—and I am not making this up, as it’s in quotations—“the average American produces about 4.4 lbs. of garbage every day. That’s 29 lbs. per week or 1,600 lbs. per year.” These statistics come from the Environmental Protection Agency, who happen to have been counting every Good ‘n’ Plenty container I have ever thrown away in my entire life—and I have had plenty.

Did you know that the amount of trash we Americans produce in a single year could cover the entire state of Texas two and a half times? While there is absolutely no doubt that covering Texas twice would be the best use of this trash, it would be much easier for lazy people like me to avoid generating so much trash in the first place. This trash reduction can be accomplished by doing things like 1) growing your own vegetables, most of which do not sprout out of the ground with packaging on them; 2) buying less things in general, because you can’t package what you don’t have; and 3) (most importantly) never, ever, under any circumstances, purchasing bottled water or using plastic bags in stores.

So? What’s wrong with plastic? you might be asking yourself. My friend, prepare to poop.

Plastic does not biodegrade—at least not for a very, very long time. Most plastic makes its way out into the ocean where it a) accumulates and/or b) gets consumed by marine life. This means our planet is like a kid who needs to pick up his room but is running out of closet space because he got everything he wanted for his birthday even though he didn’t really need it, and his pet hamster eats what’s on the floor and dies.

Plastic bags can basically survive forever, like cockroaches, except there is no exterminator for plastic bags. In other words—and you can quote me on this because it is scientific fact—using plastic bags is exactly the same as using cockroaches to carry your groceries. And, like cockroaches, plastic bags become most active late at night while you are sleeping. They scurry about your kitchen floor, making sick rustling sounds to each other that translate roughly to let’s take over the world and kill everyone except the roaches. Their plan, of course, is to suffocate our planet in much the same way you might see a plastic bag used to suffocate a helpless victim in a horror film.

Suffocation is a grave prospect indeed, and I think it’s one that Bag It really missed an opportunity to exploit. The movie talked about plastic floating in the ocean, but in all honesty that just seems like a bathtub with lots of durable toys. Killer Plastic Bags would be far more distressing to audiences, who would surely walk away from the movie with a greater incentive to start acting less trashy—just as soon as they buy new underwear.

Don't Show, But You May Tell

Don’t Show, But You May Tell

There have been many social injustices over the course of this country’s existence. Relocating Native Americans, slavery, women’s lack of rights, Brett Favre not doing a commercial for AT&T just to name a few. Each time an advancement in civil rights occurs, it is usually met with animosity from a portion of the population that isn’t quite ready for change. Some men, myself included, are still bitter that they now have to do their own laundry. In the present day, equality is the norm for the most part, and there may even be a sense of complacency. However, gay rights, though they’ve come a long way, are not quite up to par. Even in today’s advanced society many people are reluctant to accept homosexuals’ lifestyles, due in part to personal beliefs and of course Will and Grace. One place where gay rights have been hindered the most has been in the military.

The ideals of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” have been around since Frederick Gotthold Enslin was discharged from the army under George Washington. Jonathan Katz, writer of Gay American History has listed Enslin’s situation and many similar to it. It isn’t hard to see how uncomfortable the military has been with homosexuals, especially when the furry thongs and assless chaps start running around the barracks. Sure, in those days, tolerance wasn’t really a priority. After all, they had Red Coats to kill. Since then, the actual “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy was enacted under former President Bill Clinton in hopes of reducing discrimination. However, according to Ed O’Keefe of the NY Times, around 13,000 gay troops have been discharged since 1993. The expense of which has cost taxpayers $400 million in related expenses says Devin Dwyer of ABC News. Don’t worry; you were just going to spend the money on tickets to see Spiderman on Broadway. Never the less, this policy has been costly. There has been friction between gay and straight soldiers (not the kind you’d find in Sodom or Gomorra). Could it possibly have had something to do with, I don’t know, the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy itself.

Today, gays are widely accepted in civilian life. Isn’t there a possibility that those sentiments will cross over to military life? Yes. As you know, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was repealed in December 2010, and across America there were flashy, neatly groomed men and flannel-covered women dancing in the streets. The repeal hasn’t been enacted just yet, but once President Obama and his DADT staff feel the military is ready for such a transition, the repeal will go into full effect. In a survey conducted by the RAND Corp., soldiers were asked, “If serving with someone who was openly gay, would that affect the group’s ability to work effectively to get the job done?” 70 percent said it would have a positive, mixed, or no effect. The other 30 percent were busy blowing kisses at their Glenn Beck posters. It seems inevitable now that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” will go through.

Just the gesture of repealing DADT says a lot for the momentum of the gay rights movement. The game is changing so rapidly that despite your ideologies, they’re here, and they’re queer, and they want to take you shopping. While tolerance of homosexuals is becoming a solidified facet of our society, there are still many obstacles to overcome--a little bit of getting accustomed to change. I myself can only take yea so much of Nathan Lane. With the way the DADT repeal and gay marriage are pushing forward, we can see real progress. Military men and women are accepting their queer brethren. Those who aren’t, don’t kid yourselves, you Googled that Brett Favre text too.

Cutting The Christmas Ham

Cutting The Christmas Ham

“Quit pulling my hair!” “You’re going to eat every last one of your vegetables and like it!” “Mom, Susie keeps trying to cast me into the third circle of Hell!”

I’m sure parenting must be tricky. I am the third of four sons, and I can, with out a doubt, relate to my mother’s parenting distress when my cat devours all of the plants in my apartment. So when is a parent supposed to give in to a child’s wants and tantrums? I’ve worked my fair share of retail jobs, and to me the obvious answer is never. I will allow that a strong smack on the head will deter most children’s requests in the first place. In addition, watching children acting out in public has been clinically proven to be the most effective form of birth control (look for an endorsement from the Pope on that one.)

Needless to say, incessant whining does not end with childhood. It continues on with teenagers looking for a car or pot, college age young people, looking for a degree/job or… pot, or even successful businessmen looking for… massive tax breaks (money’s green too.) The first two are common enough stereotypes, and on some level can be understood. But under what circumstances would the wealthiest three percent need tax cuts? There has been suggestion of the phantom trickle down effect, but I stopped believing in Santa years ago, and leprechauns were never really my thing. The trickle down effect revolves around the assumption that wealthy business owners would be willing to reinvest the money saved after tax cuts. However, there is no assurance of reinvestment. Only a free market capitalist hope that the companies will do the right thing—that is to say: Laissez Faire. But come on, that can’t work. It’s French.

There are plenty of the wealthiest three percent who do practice this sort of reinvestment. But what happens when companies like Harley Davidson have record profits in 2010 during the worst recession in over sixty years, and simply stash the money away. According to the NY Times, during that quarter, unemployment was still lingering around ten percent. At the same time, millions of recent, high school and college graduates who happened to be unemployed resumed their search for pot. Also that quarter, the S & P’s 500-stock index saw a seven percent rise. While for the 14 million unemployed, life was seeming pretty standard and poor.

During the Regan years some of the biggest tax cuts in history took place, and I don’t think he was compensating for his hair. By 1984, the rate of GDP growth had jumped up considerably according to Mehrun Etebari of the UFE (United for a Fair Economy). But this did not last. During the Bush Sr. administration, taxes for the wealthy were cut even more, and the GDP actually decreased. Talk about being Bushwhacked. While the recession at that time may have had something to do with it, who’s to say tax cuts were the catalyst for Regan’s temporary economic success? Etebari goes on to explain several other statistics such as income growth rate, hourly wage growth rate, and change in unemployment. He compares them to top tier tax cuts only to find that there is no correlation between any economic success and those taxes. Daddy, I got cider in my ear… or it might have been tea.

One of the more recent debacles that we’ve run into was stimulus spending versus the nation’s deficit. The economic stimuli are another matter altogether, but I think we can all agree that the deficit needs to be taken care of. How about raising taxes? Isn’t that a feasible solution since Mark Zuckerberg won’t pay off our debt with his yacht made of gold? Raising taxes won’t fix the deficit, but it’s at least a start. The latest Bush tax cuts were set to expire, and that was a great opportunity for President Obama to do a little upkeep of his own. However, with senseless opposition from the right, Obama, in the spirit of bipartisanship (bending over), agreed to extend the cuts.

In December of 2010, just like every holiday season, the whiny little brats at the local mall got mommy to cave in. Meanwhile, near the National Mall, other whiny brats got Obama to cave.

Illustration Thursday

Well, I hadn't planned on posting this till next week, but I've been painting for over 13 hours straight, and I needed a little break. I will be posting more soon.

Illustration Sketch

freelance sketch. The final illustration is due on Thursday and I'll see if I can post it then, but my senior show goes up on Sunday, and I've still got quite a bit of work to do on it. For those who care, and the millions who don't, working on my senior show has caused me to take an extended hiatus from blogging. But the cool thing is, come this weekend, I'll have lots to post.