Migrating Money

Migrating Money
By Kyle Constalie

Most sensible Americans approach Mexican immigrants with the same general question: “Do you have any drugs I can buy?”

Whenever the answer is, “No, but I will work difficult and dangerous jobs for very little pay,” folks tend to get hissy. Those jobs are traditionally reserved for white people to reject. After all, if we don’t have jobs to turn our noses up at, we don’t really have anything at all. The American economy depends on this kind of job selectiveness.

Immigration has become a complex and polarizing issue in the United States. Which side of the immigration issue you find yourself on can be determined by asking yourself a few simple questions. For example, 1) Do I basically like other people? 2) Do I, hypothetically, and for the most part, enjoy it when other people don’t starve to death? 3) If someone asks me for change to purchase a bus ticket, am I more likely to doll out the money or punch the person in the face and accuse him or her of attempted robbery? Etc.

If right now you’re imagining slapping a foreigner and running him or her over with a bus, not only might you be a racist (I never said the person was foreign!), you are probably opposed to the Dream Act, which is a bill that, if passed, would allow people who entered the country illegally as children to live in the country legally as adults—so long as they complete either two years of military service or two years of higher education.

You might also be aghast to learn that an estimated 65,000 undocumented students graduate from high school every year, which is likely a higher level of academic attainment than most opponents of the Dream Act have achieved. “How can we allow this atrocity to happen,” you are probably asking, the atrocity being the education that is provided to thousands of people who would otherwise have gone without. Indeed, there appears to be scant hope for the gallant cause of keeping our immigrants dumb.

Which is why I have devised a solution to our expensive and unfair problem of over-education. Imagine beating these motivated foreign bastards at their own, goal-oriented game! What I am proposing is this:

California and Arizona should build faux schools designed to attract immigrants. Their mascots might be, say, piñatas, and their school names might be something like Puerto Vallarta. With low-cost burritos for lunch, along with ponchos and sombreros for uniforms, these schools will be irresistibly enticing to the typical Mexican immigrant.

Little will these Spanish-speaking criminals suspect that they are being educated to work in high-paying executive office positions, the types of positions that their amoral occupation of our country already qualifies them to perform.

According to the Huffington Post, as of May 2010, 7.8 million Americans were millionaires. The overall U.S. population is estimated by the CIA at around 310, 232, 863, so my math puts the percentage of Americans who earn at least one million dollars at less than 3%.

This demographic is clearly aching to expand. Let us slyly siphon our population of immigrants into the upper echelons of the American workforce, away from the coveted jobs in fields, factories and hotels that we Americans, by virtue of our birth certificates, are rightfully entitled to work. This will create staggering job growth. And with new ethnic influences in big businesses, having to work on Cinco de Mayo will be an injustice of the past.

I’m telling you, these immigrants won’t know what hit them. One minute they’re sweating over stitching garments, the next minute they’re spilling salsa on their $500 suit coats. Then they will know what it is really like to have to fight for their right to tax cuts. They will be forced between a rock and a hard place when it becomes necessary to make tough calls about where to purchase their second and third vacation homes. Those, my friends, are real American struggles.

These immigrant millionaires will be the new movers and shakers; they will be the ones who influence ideas for how to keep the rest of their immigrant families out of the country—if only so their spouses and children never have to suffer a similar fate.