START Getting Scared

START Getting Scared

As a nation of exceptional Christian values, it’s easy for us to see where many of our foreign and domestic policies come from. Helping the helpless, feeding the poor, healing the lame, well sort of (health care reform is of the devil). Generally speaking, we like to be thought of as good folks. Omitting at least one Koran torching reverend who was Jones’n for a barbeque, Americans do try their best to avoid provocation of others. The people of the United States apparently have no quarrel with the Koran. It’s a book. There is no use reading anything these days when we have Youtube. The combination of a Koran and a mosque, however, might garner more fervor for a bonfire when a new mosque is proposed in New York. But in all fairness, we already have a lot of churches. Do we really need more tax-exempt establishments? Not in Uncle Sam’s back yard!

Despite what those cigarette-sucking French may think, Americans are a peace loving people. Just take a look at hippies. Now I know what you’re thinking, and yes, the water table in Bethel, NY (home of Woodstock) still tests positive for all kinds of illicit drugs and trace amounts of grooviness. On the other side of the coin, (or if you prefer, a Chuck E. Cheese token) peace is attained through strength and a few protein shakes. The intimidation factor has a long track record of success: hockey players, juiced up body builders, Chris Brown. Bigger is better is not a notion lost on the US military. How better to keep our enemies at bay than to scare the living crap out of them? According to the Independent Institute, US defense spending was roughly $1.01 trillion in 2010. It might serve the military budget well if money-hoarding institutions such as social security and education were cut out of the federal budget altogether. Also militarizing the cast of Jersey Shore, as they would be worth their weight in gold chain necklaces… and hair products.

One can’t deny the threats to this country such as North Korea, Iran, the cast of Jersey Shore (it has yet to be seen exactly where their allegiances lie). The only way to scuttle these impending perils is to beat them at our game. To increase the nuclear arsenal is the only way to ensure intimidation and America’s subsequent safety. According to the Eau Claire Journal, the U.S. has over 5000 nuclear weapons and 3000 prospective locations that could pose a threat. With the 5000 deliverable warheads, we have the capacity to obliterate our current 3000 targets. Can’t you see that we need more? What if there are still signs of life after the first 3000 missiles are fired? How will we defend ourselves against terrorism when the remaining 2000 missiles are not enough to re-obliterate all 3000 targets?

With the resurgence of the START Treaty, now aptly named the New START Treaty, things might be moving the other way. It should really be called the START Getting Scared Treaty. It’s been a known fact that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong Il have been pen pals since childhood, mailing each other baseball cards and spare bomb parts. One might note that Ahmadinejad just wants to send a gift to Israel to bury the hatchet, and Israel. Either way, it’s an unsettling prospect for America. America’s good-natured demeanor might say to turn the other cheek. That is always good advice, but only if your ass is equipped with literally millions of long range missiles. Better add an American flag and Chuck Norris just to be sure.